December is not already almost over. No way. It was just Black Friday! This month has passed hazily as if in one long drunken bender I still haven’t woken up from (if we really want to carry the metaphor, I’d say this week would be “the spins” portion of that experience. Pure surrealism.) I cannot process thoughts. Seriously, half the time I’m telling people to have a great night at 8 am or pointing them toward the “cattan/coshmere sweaters” (words are hard.) But by way of reminding my brain that it once did and still can function, I present some gems from the holiday season.
Customer: Oh, so it’s only 30% off today? I have a coupon for 40% on Wednesday…
Customer: So, I guess I should come back. That’s better, right?
I: Yes, 40 is more than 30.
Pair of girls at register, to my (male) coworker, Carlo: So which would you like, if you were a guy?
I: [DIE laughing. Have to put my head down on the counter to compose self, but am unsuccessful.]
They: Sorry! That’s not what I meant! I meant, if you were the guy getting this as a gift…
I, and Carlo: No, you meant it the first way. Bwahahaha.
Some chick, at 11:55 pm: What time do you close tonight?
My coworker and personal hero, Gi: In like 5 minutes. [Storms away.]
We all deserve Nobel Peace Prizes for not punching anyone (yet). Take a moment this holiday season to think about the poor asshole who has to fold those 25 sweaters you just dumped on those other 25 sweaters. Be decent. Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals.