I’m liveblogging the Golden Globes! Join me, because football is dumb (I only know that’s a thing that’s happening tonight because of Facebook) and celebrities are going to be drunk!
7: 50 First off, can you tell I’m completely enamored of subtitles lately? Live with it.
7:50 Not sure if people still like liveblogs, but I’m watching anyway, and if you don’t care to read it then DON’T.
7:51 I wish Jack Nicholson still came to these things (probably) stoned. Where art thou?!
7:55 I don’t give a shit about Matt Lauer’s “final thoughts” on the red carpet; show us the bar!
7:59 A little chilly in LA? What is that, like 65 degrees?
7:59 Living for the guy loudly counting down over Matt Lauer’s crew.
8:00 Yay! Amy and Tina look gorgeous. And Bill Murray in the audience looks appropriately kooky and slightly confused where he is.
8:01 Beautiful editing in following a joke about “the beautiful people of film” and the “rat-faced people of TV” with a clip of Quentin Tarantino and then Sofia Vergara.
8:02 Who invited Jessica Alba?! Being in Fantastic Four ten years ago doesn’t make you worthy.
8:02 Oh shit! Awesome burn on Jame Cameron! ZING!
8:05 “None of us has PLANS to be in porn, Tina.” I’m actually LOLing!
8:05 The Hunger Games = the 6 weeks it took to get into the dress. Life of Pi = the 6 weeks after the dress comes off. Love these two. They’re already funnier than every awards show host in recent memory.
8:07 Do you think the celebs feel special or terrified when the hosts single them out? I’d be pumped, but then again I’m not as famous as, say, Daniel Day Lewis.
8:08 With every passing year, Kate Hudson BECOMES Goldie Hawn. Also, Bradley Cooper’s hair is unbecoming. No joke there, just truth.
8:09 Leonardo DiCaprio does not age and is an angel. Joaquin Phoenix should NOT have been nominated for The Master which was unbearable.
8:10 Aww, that’s Christoph Waltz’s real accent? Adorably German!
8:12 Guys, I can officially be all, “Yeah Maggie Smith, LONG LIVE THE DOWAGER COUNTESS” because I started watching Downton last week. Make room on the bandwagon!
8:17 Ugh, Miss and Mister Golden Globes. Tell me that isn’t awkward.
8:21 Guys, remember when Nicole Kidman did stuff? Remember when SIENNA MILLER did?!
8:21 Don’t know who that last chick was, but I liked the fake crazy teeth.
8:23 Ew, no. Catherine Zeta-Jones, no. Don’t sing Les Miz a cappella. No.
8:30 HAHA to the HFPA president lady for telling Bradley Cooper to “call me maybe.” Bravo.
8:32 Yayyyy Sgt. Nicholas Brody! I hope the stage doesn’t blow up as part of his double agentry!
8:35 I appreciate Salma Hayek’s complete unwillingness to attempt to improv when the teleprompter didn’t work. Fuck that noise.
8:42 I’ll listen to Dan Connor any day. Get it.
8:43 Okay, who wants to do one of those Oscar nominees day-long movie marathons with me?
8:48 Um, Taylor Swift for The Hunger Games BETTER win Best Song.
8:48 UGH. ROBBED! I can’t stand “Skyfall”. Didn’t Adele just have a baby? What is she doing at this?
8:50 So coy, Adele, still won’t tell us her baby’s name.
8:58 Holy shit it’s actually Bill Clinton!
8:58 Okay, Lena Dunham is the only one with the right reaction to this, which is “Holy shit it’s actually Bill Clinton!”
9:01 “It was Bill Rodham Clinton!” Underrated joke from Tina.
9:02 I swear I have literally never seen Kristen Wiig with the same haircolor twice.
9:05 Bahahaha Tommy Lee Jones is NOT AMUSED.
9:06 Jennifer Lawrence is a goddess. Even T-Sweezy approves.
9:12 Kristen Bell’s dress EWWWWWWW.
9:12 What? What is this category? New Girl vs. Game Change vs. Homeland? WTF?
9:14 I’m gonna need to see Django, aren’t I? Dammit.
9:14 Whoa! Megan Fox is still somebody!
9:15 DUH gonna be Annie Hathaway.
9:15 I dare you to say something bad about Anne Hathaway in Les Miz. I DARE you.
9:17 Yay Princess Diaries shoutout! Aww! And a sweet ode to Sally Field, double aww!
9:17 Annie Hathaway don’t get played off. No way no how.
9:18 So happy Helena Bonham Carter is always Helena Bonham Carter.
9:19 Oof. This thing isn’t even halfway over? I see why they drink. May need to crack a bottle of wine to get through it… we’ll see in the next commercial.
9:20 Oz: The Great and Powerful looks incomprehensible but possibly awesome. Gotta support my old ferris-wheel-riding buddy James Franco.
9:23 I actually like Rob Pattinson. I’m willing to forgive that Twilight business and move forward. Won’t hold it against him.
9:23 Now I’m really going to have to see Django. Tarantino is certainly a weirdo, which I obviously approve of. I love the story of how he started out as like, a Blockbuster cashier. (If it’s true, which it may not be, but I care not.)
9:25 Loving the tails, Jeremy Irons!
9:26 What fishing in the where?! Who’s ever heard of this movie?! But Ewan McGregor’s gorgeous mug is in it! I’m so conflicted.
9:27 True or false: Ricky Gervais ALSO had a show called Episodes? Where like, celebrities played versions of themselves? I definitely saw something once with Dan Radcliffe playing a dicky Dan Radcliffe…
9:34 Haha, Sylvester Stallone can barely speak English.
9:34 Wasn’t The Intouchables in contention at the Oscars… last year?
9:34 Sometimes when I use the phrase “Wasn’t…?” I mean “It was.”
9:36 Ugh Lea Michele doing Angelina Jolie leg. And easy on the spray tan.
9:37 It’s obviously all about Claire Danes. Haven’t you heard about her ugly crying prowess?
9:38 So harsh to have to push the camera into the losers’ faces immediately, but like a train crash, I can’t look away.
9:39 Claire Danes’s baby essentially took down Abu Nazir. Badass.
9:45 On principle I hate any celebrity who only and invariably appears “in character.” See: Sasha Baron Cohen, Stephen Colbert (YEAH I SAID IT.)
9:46 I swear I heard someone boo the joke about Anne Hathaway’s upskirt photos.
9:46 Brave sucked. A poor woman’s Arya/Katniss/any other interesting female hero.
9:51 YES Julia Louis-Dreyfus for Veep. Make more episodes of it! Also love pretty much all these ladies. Kudos Amy.
9:51 Unsurprising but deserved win for Lena Dunham. Haters gonna hate.
9:52 We should all be so lucky to have awesome moments of our life soundtracked by Robyn songs.
9:53 Is Lena Dunham offended that this show is basically stealing thunder from Girls‘s second season premiere? Because I am a little.
9:58 Hahahaha drunk and bitter Tina and Amy. HAHAHAHAHA drunk/zombie(?) Glenn Close!
10:03 God I love a montage. Of literally anything, even Jodie Foster’s filmography. YES scene from the original Freaky Friday!
10:07 Love Jodie Foster requesting a wolf whistle.
10:08 Is Jodie Foster gay? Is that what we’re talking about? If she values privacy on the issue, why did she bring it up and continue to talk awkwardly about it?
10:11 Now crying at Jodie Foster’s beautiful message to her (apparently ailing) mother.
10:11 Now is she retiring from acting? Jodie Foster, why so cryptic?!
10:17 Laughed HARD at Tarantino’s spit take when they read his name. Nicely done.
10:17 Let’s all celebrate Ben Affleck resurrecting himself from the butt of a million Bennifer jokes!
10:22 Please just don’t let Modern Family win.
10:22 Yay Girls! Look at all the girls!
10:23 Lena Dunham to her costars: “GUYS! GET SUPER CLOSE!”
10:25 And at the end of her speech, to the girls: “You guys wanna make a sound? WOOO!” Love. Her.
10:29 Seeing Christian Bale only ever makes me mad that Christian Bale is unwilling to speak about being in Newsies. Take a cue from Anne Hathaway shouting out Princess Diaries and own it, Jack!
10:31 Look at Jack Black up for an award! Which he will never win, but still. Okay, GOOD LOOKING category (and I’m including you, Bill Murray.)
10:32 Is there anyone anywhere who doesn’t love Hugh Jackman? I mean, maybe Bradley Cooper, but other than that…
10:34 SHAME on you, Jessica Chastain, for wearing that weird droopy-boobed dress. For SHAME. You are better than this.
10:38 I read the other day that Jeremy Renner’s like 5’6″. It’s very disenchanting.
10:39 So pumped that Chris Pratt is in an Oscar nominee.
10:40 Lumping musicals in with comedy is bizarre. Why aren’t they placed in the appropriate category based on tone? Like, Mamma Mia would have certainly been comedy, but Les Miz is more appropriately drama. Sucks to be a real comedy this year.
10:41 Okay, how epic is it to accept your award to “Can You Hear the People Sing?” It’s a revolution! (No it’s not.)
10:42 I like this guy’s resignation at being played out. He just gestures towards Hugh Jackman and Anne Hathaway and says, “y’know…”
10:51 More like Daniel DUH Lewis. Amirite?
10:52 The impoverishment of Daniel Day Lewis’s language seems to be a non-entity.
10:58 Whoooaaa, Argo with the big win. HAHAHAHA Sienna Miller visibly yawning.
11:00 Well, that’s all folks, and I’m out in time to watch the 11pm rerun of Girls. Night!